And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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