Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
