All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
