oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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