Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
