and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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