if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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