To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
