The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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