I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
