Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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