You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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