Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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