I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
