Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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