I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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