at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
