I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
