i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize