It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
