my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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