would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
