2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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