Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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