Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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