Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
