I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
