A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
