chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
