My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
