Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I FOUND THE LEGS
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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