ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Holy sore nipples Batman
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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