apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
