Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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