Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
