I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
