I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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