Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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