I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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