I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
