By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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