i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
