I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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