i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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