I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
