Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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