I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
