The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
