Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
