Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
