He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
