The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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