youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
