i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
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You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.