Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
