i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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